There's no harp – take a tembrel!
by katyushha
Summary: Movie-verse. The shooting of the "On the Burning Pine" scene (almost the end of the film, with Azog and Thorin and the Company. Remember that one?) Very funny! Translation from Russian.


_**An amazing, hilarious and screamingly funny story of the author named **_**Hellkar. ****_Translated by me - from Russian._**

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_Film set. The pine staggers, but stands as of yet._

_The dwarves are on the pine._

_Thorin is in the front line, looking pompous in his flaunting fur coat._

_The centre of the room is marked by a rock._

_Behind the rock is Azog on his warg._

_Orcs – optionally._

**Continuity girl**: Shot One, Take One.

**Azog**: Do you smell it? The scent of fear, Thorin, Son of Thrain, Son of Thror…

**Thorin**: *rolls eyes wildly and gnashes his teeth*

**Jackson**: More expression there!

**Thorin**: *gnashes his teeth louder*

**Azog**: But before I kill you, Thorin, me and my fourty Mûmakil will sing you a song!

**Thorin**: Excellent! Just enough time for me to bonk you with a log.

**Azog**: О_О

**Thorin**: Oops…

**Jackson**: There's nothing of that nature in the script. Another take!

**Continuity girl**: Shot One, Take Two.

**The****pine**: *staggers*

**Azog**: A log… Take that off, what are you_?_

**Thorin**: Genius, billionaire, playboy.

**Azog**: Well, I guess it's Smaug who is a billionaire right now, while you are a have-not.

**Thorin**: *puffing his cheeks and grabbing Orcrist in an emphatic manner * That's it, you white-ass waif, you hit my raw nerve – money, you're so dead!

**Azog**: Sorry, sorry, I don't understand Khuzdul.

**Thorin**: I said, you white-eyed crap, look your death in the eye!

**Gandalf**: *whispers to Thorin* I wouldn't use such colorful expressions if I were you, he wins in this scene.

**Thorin**: What?

**Gandalf:** Actually you die in the end of the film.

**Azog**: MUAHAHA.

**Thorin**: Wait a minute, there must be a mistake… Peter?

**Jackson**: Magneto's right.

**Thorin**: But who'll be the King? Fili?

**Jackson**: No, he dies with you.

**Thorin**: Bloody hell… Kili?

**Jackson: **No, actually he also kicks the bucket…

**Thorin**: WHO THEN?

**Jackson**: Well, let's look in the script – ah, Dain.

**Thorin**: DAIN?! So it was me who came up with it, who gathered everyone, who gave everyone…

**Gandalf:** …a heart attack.

**Thorin:** …a chance – to see the mountain! And HE's going to be the King?

**Azog:** I am really sorry to interrupt…

**Jackson**: Another take.

**Continuity girl**: Shot One, Take Three.

**The pine**: *staggers*

**Thorin**: I don't want to play the part where I die. I refuse. I quit. Ask Sean Bean.

**Jackson**: I have already asked him.

**The pine**: I'm warning you – I'VE BEEN STAGGERING HERE FOR A HALF AN HOUR.

**Thorin**: Okay… *whips up his sword and runs pretentiously towards Azog, locks fluttering in the wind, eyes ablaze*

**Azog**: Stop this fur coat ridging of yours.

**Thorin**: Du-Bekar!

**Warg**: *chews Thorin*

**Thorin**: Mind the hairdo!

**Warg**: Meow.

**Bilbo**: Erebor, I will save you!

**Gandalf**: *laterally* The Grocer and the King – that's the real force.

**Bilbo**: *runs through the burning set*

**Thorin**: Can I die already? I really don't want to see this… *dramatically lies down on the rock*

**The****rock**: …

**Fili**: Is it time to throw the cones? Kili, where did you get this brick?

**Thorin**: If you hit me – you'll die earlier than the script writers tell you.

**Bilbo**: *tries to shield Thorin*

**Jackson and his continuity girl**: *crying and hugging each other* What a drama!

**The pine**: Can I fall at last?

**Gandalf**: Not yet! Where are the eagles?

**Jackson**: The eagles will be made later by the computer people, just jump.

**Gandalf**: Ah, fly, you – fools! *jumps*

**The dwarves**: *jump at his heels*

**Jackson**: Humph, not enough pathos … Another take.

**Continuity girl:** Shot One, Take Four.

**The pine**: Excuse me, but you're ruffling me – quite literally!

**Azog**: I will unroot this Durin line… isn't it a misprint there in the script? "Daring loony" sounds much better here…

**Thorin**: Peter, why is he so rude with me?!

**Jackson**: It's his part, Thorin, he's a rude character… Forgive us please, you man with a museum'y last name.1

**Azog:** I will pull out your beards…

**Thorin:** Peter, why don't I have a beard?!

**Jackson**: Lack of props, we'll draw you one, later, in the Photoshop, unless I forget.

**Thorin:** Peter, my sword is too small…

**Jackson**: I gave you the biggest one!

**Thorin**: And the fur coat is a cheapie…

**Jackson**: It is a Versace!

**Thorin**: The harp?

**Jackson**: There's no harp – take a tembrel!

**Thorin**: I need a black horse and a red-haired woman!

**Jackson**: A pony! And we'll draw a woman for you in the Photoshop. Unless I forget then again.

**Thorin**: Draw an elk for Thranduil as well!

**Azog**: If you did not get it, the only white one here and on the white horse is me!

**Gandalf**: Ahem, I should remember that… He'll pop off anyway eventually, so I can use the idea.

**Jackson**: Enough! Let's keep on shooting.

**Thorin**: *takes run from the pine, jumps starting out from the rock and falls on Azog in the Angry Birds' style*

**The rock**: …

**Azog**: Оо

**Jackson**: *facepalm*

**The pine**: I warned you! *falls down*

**Jackson**: So, the props are broken, and I don't like the scene, another take here tomorrow.

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_1 __Museum'y last name – Richard Armitage's last name in Russian sounds a lot like the name of one of Russian museums – the Hermitage (in St. Petersburg)_


End file.
